KISSINGROSE

so the child sat in his farm wondering when his pig was going to come back. maybe tonight, he hoped. when he threw the pig out, he had been angry, because the pig had trodden all over this new cauliflowers, but now he sat on the old bench, his mind wandering to the first time he held the pig in his arms, rolled in the mud with it, ate apples together, he pinched his fingers together and watched the farm grow dark. the next day, the child woke up cold and hungry, his body tightly wound around the frame of the bench, he thought he heard his pig call out. jumping up, his eyes darted furiously amongst the bushes, crops and dark morning shapes of shed, house and pig pen. no pig. he sat down, defeated. maybe he should go out to look for the pig, maybe the pig wanted to come home but got lost. renewed with hope, the boy stood up, grabbed a stick and left the farm. he searched for days, growing colder and hungrier, he needed the pig. many times, he had cried while trying to get some sleep but he never once heard the pig. then, along the marshes, he thought he caught a glimpse of his pig, quickly, he ran towards the sighting and with relief, found his pig lying among the tall stems, shivering with cold and hunger too. squealing, he grabbed the pig in a hug and cried greedily, as if he had been holding it all in. both pig and boy squealed together in a mess of tears and snorts. the boy stroked the pig and slowly, they walked home. the boy never threw the pig out again, and the pig never left the boy again. new cauliflowers? who cares.

ahh, so this is what it feels like having nothing important (much) to do - just a lot of reading, exporting files, capturing tapes - no real work (by real work, i mean editing of course). yesterday's mocha frap at starbucks was really good, for the longest time, i haven't had such great mocha frap (such pointless material for blogging, i know). finished a toby litt book which was sort of whiny but fun writing, so that was okay too. watched x-men with g yesterday and that was wonderful, i forgot a few things: what it's like to watch a movie, and how good movies like x-men can be. we also saw a cat which rolled over many times for us. extremely needy. exam on friday but as usual, i'm only gonna study on thurs. so, today, i'm sitting here capturing louanna/dennis' photoshoot tapes, listening to the cure, and wondering if this is life without you - quiet, lonely and yeah, quiet. no i'm not about to start crying again because my nose has a strange wound-up feeling that leaves the upper half of my face sore and loose. don't ask me how that feels, go try it yourself. that's all i have to say because i need to go feel sorry for myself, just for a little while.

nothing like a 'yuki no hana' (snow flower) to trigger a sad realisation, yeah a really a sad one. i realised this pang of dull pain i've been feeling is not really post-break up sorrow or a zombi-mode phase but regret. so here i was, sitting at my table playing candy-snatching online, basking in post express highlights exhilaration when it hit me. of all unsuspecting moments, seriously, what could be worse. wow i don't think i've felt this before. maybe only once. and now to think of it, both times were my fault. this time definitely is. of the past 1 year that i could have spent loving and treasuring you, i fought you with instead, making us unhappy and tired. of all the wasted time that has gone by, is it too late to tell you now i regret, i regret all that i've done, that i didn't spend the time we had together loving and caring for you, that i regret fighting with you, exhausting you. yes i think it's too late.

i used to tell you we don't have enough memories, i was wrong, all the time we were making memories and i just didn't see it. i didn't see a lot of things because i was wilful and selfish. if you can find it in yourself to forgive me, i hope you do. i love you and now, life without you is kind of empty.

i have a 7 year old child. no i'm not lying. but i make a horrible mother. kissingrose turns 7 this year and i have almost just forgotten her birthday. but there you go, strange things do happen. i'm sitting here listening to a rude song (won't tell you what it is) and thinking about how i've screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me. anyway nothing has been happening lately except my period came and it hurts like hell -- being in australia sort of made me forget what having my period really feels like but whatever, not like you wanna know. i also want to sleep more but my mind won't let me because i've been having dreams i don't like then i wake up and get all broody and stuff, but when i'm awake i can't stop thinking the bad things my dreams thought about too, it's a painful cycle and i can neither sleep it off nor stay wide awake.

and right now, i'm kind of sick of myself being whiny and sickening so im gonna go cut apples or something.

but i remember the day when i took your heart from your hands, and you smiled at me, shyly at first, then slowly, you placed your heart in my palms. you said i was easy to love, then we fell in love. your heart, i kept it in my pocket as we ran down the hills, laughing and kicking up stones. then when you were tired and fell asleep, i stole away and hung your heart on a secret tree - one that only i can see and touch. and then i crept back to you and we slept til sunrise. it was a beautiful day. i promised myself to see your heart every day but i think i forgot. i forgot and i started fights with you. fights that don't mean anything to us now. and the memories i wanted so badly for us to create, i forgot we were already creating them. then we lost a lot of precious time. i lost a lot of things too. and now i can't find the secret tree. and i think i've lost you too.

a final statement to concur all the statements i've made and never kept to, this one i'll make the most effort to keep: maybe you blame me for the way you've become, and maybe i blame myself for the situation we're in. but i love you and that has not changed. the brutal honest truth: it's always too late to make amends. no situation in this world allows amendments, do not believe the people who tell you that second chances are available for taking, because that is absolute bullshit. and thus, i'll never have the opportunity to make it up to you. yes, your mood swings, bitter sarcasm, and unnecessary attacks tire me. it's frightening to talk to you because i'm afraid of being exhausted by your fluctuating pendulum. one minute you're chirpy and bright, the next you're tiring and painful. it seems to me like i'm dealing with a you that resembles a lot the me you were frustrated and exhausted by. and this weakens me, because i didn't mean for so much hurt to be caused to you. and i never thought by wearing you out, i would ultimately allow you to wear me out too. but, i love you and i'm sorry i've caused you so much pain. if this means anything to you at this point in time: may you heal and i promise not to hurt you anymore.

everything is linked, i hope you know that. every single thing that is, or isn't, it's all linked. it's a little bit like... if i take a sip of water from my bottle, it doesn't mean just that alone. i'm not merely taking a sip of water from my bottle, it's more than that. the random action is linked to so many things, like the reason for why i'm drinking water, or where the water came from, did i boil the water before drinking it, do i like to boil water, does anyone in my family drink non-boiled water, where did i buy this bottle from, is it even my bottle? and it goes on. the world is crazy and we're all part of this mad linked-up cycle. i'm scared and tired and i have no wish to run the race i was coerced into running.

this week i realised i've completely misunderstood my own reasons for doing things and sometimes i even get these reasons wrong. i can't help but have nightmares about the things i'm afraid that'd happen to you but that's not within my scope of control, i hope you know that. the only thing left to appreciate is that for only a little while more, i'll be able to rethink prospects, and perhaps stop behaving like a weak sign of the horoscopes (the kind i don't think much of) and more like the kind i'm supposed to be.

sleep is great. we should all sleep more.

more of life and days in general: heroes babble

i've been faithfully following heroes and this week was season 3 episode 20, cold snap. my god, it was fantastic! finally heroes have redeemed itself! wow. it was possibly the best episode in the longest time. okay that's an exaggeration because i was pretty excited about the 1st episode of volume when we watched it (episode 14 a clear and present danger if i'm not wrong) but then things turned downhill, claire got boring again (seriously they should just get rid of claire she contributes nothing to the plot at all) matt was getting annoying and sylar was thrown into some side-plot which was boring like hell, led to nowhere, and not to mention peter, suresh, ando, hiro AND tracy completely having as little screen time as possible. story was going nowhere, claire recues some underwater breathing boy (no contribution to storyline also), they brought back puppet guy but then? no storyline also. then all tracy did was sit in her cell. total bore.

anyway, this episode picked up! cold snap is wow. first rebel is revealed (duh it was micah), tracy sacrifices herself, daphne died! couldn't stop crying when daphne told matt to let her go. sigh. but i guess someone had to die. or else the show would be boring liao. claire lah, kill claire. zzzz. anyway i'm glad there was no claire in this episode. i hope they create a new storyline for peter soon cos i love seeing him on screen. and heehee hiro and ando are so funny. okay i'm done.

jeanie and ian's express highlights this weekend, something to look forward to. diving next weekend again. more to look forward to. and soon brisbane/gold coast/cairns + great barrier reef! whee. now to clear up felicia/ian's mtv.

you've shared more memories in my life than i can keep count of. i miss you scratching my tummy when we awake and i miss making up stories about non-existent tiger cubs and snails. you're the only person who plays such games with me. i miss imagining our house with cats and laundry and life together. you're accepting and beautiful and i'm sorry i keep making the same mistakes even when i knew i was going to lose you. can you find it in yourself to love me, just once more. and maybe we can make things better.

you mean life is supposed to be this boring without you? i've been sitting here since i got up (at 4pm) and doing nothing. i mean really nothing. i ate, watched tv (almost fell asleep), rolled around with mom's fat bolster and then i decided life is shit without you so i am now playing joseph arthur's 'honey and the moon' / fascinoma's 'i'm walking this road because you stole my car' on loop. american dad is amazing by the way, was watching season 4 last night (from whatever i can get online) and then i heard fascinoma's song. you know how when you're watching a show and you hear a great song, a really great song, you wish you could pause and go google the song, right? like when i heard dishwalla's 'angels and devils' on smallville and 'honey and the moon' on american wedding, and yeah now american dad giving me fascinoma! ("hey there little kitty, you were just scared weren't you, chika chika chika, i'm steve" .. "raoarrrrrr!!!!" "WHAT THE HELL! ... SON OF A WHORE!") ahahaha i love american dad. aha i love it when roger makes movie references or when steve says 'what the hell'. don't know what's the american dad downplaying hayley in season 4 anyway. zzz.

i'm so bored and restless because i've got nobody to talk to and nothing to do! nice though, how things come to one full circle and i'm here with songs on loop and about to cry because at least there's something to do. "don't know why i'm still afraid... if you weren't real i'd make you up... now.. freedommm, run awayyy tonight... freedom..."

okay, do jingli/christopher's mtv... watch old american dad episodes... or sleep? i miss going out at nights with you, us playing upwords, me walking on your shadow when you don't notice... i think i'm going to cry. it's ridiculous. i never thought i'd be so ridiculously hopeless when you're not with me.

i guess work nights are nothing new - long hours with nobody to talk to, hunger that can't be appeased, and sometimes, strange feelings of paranoia. if only peace can be found where it's assumed to exist. most constructions, most creations - i don't even feel strong enough for them to validate the satisfaction i'm supposed to feel. most of the time? i hype it up, because i thought, that's how i'm supposed to feel. was i wrong? because a while after that, i feel not the satisfaction i proposed i had, but a stinging emptiness of something i cannot explain. and now, i'm a little sad, a little tired of chasing after a life that that runs thinly on nothing but water wheels, strange little magic trick conjured up by illusions from exhuastions somewhere beneath the tree of lost dreams. not my tree of course, maybe yours? i don't know. i'm living faster than i can think, that's what i think, but i might be hyping it up again.

so it was after the night, and he had ran out of things to think about- didn't think that was possible, he thought. then stood up with a bolt, he had thought of something! thinking about having nothing to think about was something to think about, wasn't it? pleased with himself, he sat back down on the ground, shifting the dreams he sat upon a little bit, and rested his face on his clenched up fist. he had been tired of running away, which was very strange he thought, because he ran away in the first place to get away from how tired he had become with the bicycle, his job and wife. and now he's sitting here because he's tired of running from all that. he felt a chuckle coming up his throat and coughed loudly to suppress it. it rose faster against his fight and now he was choking, spitting and hitting the ground with his fist. he wasn't going to die here, was he? that would be ridiculous - he had come such a long way, as a child he had stole out of the house with nothing but his underpants, a bag of food and his dog. the dog died a week later and it was then he decided nothing lasts. he begged for a month until he found a job canning processed potatoes. as he stood in front of the canning belt, he grew up. and then he met the woman who became his wife and they bought a bicycle for him to ride to work as traffic had grew bigger with him. then he had ran away from all that one morning and took the bus to the next town - ran over hills of flowers, kicking them off their roots, talked to dogs and people who didn't understand him and made snow angels in the tall grass. it was when he fell asleep that he realised his life wasn't just about canning potatoes, a wife and dogs - he stopped choking, now air becoming harder to grab for, his face red and tight. air became thinner and before his eyes was a patch of black and red. he died even before the nice guy could call a paramedic truck. his wife never came to acknowledge his body, and his last thought was a collective ridicule of his entire life.

so the express highlights mad rush is over for now. but all the mtvs have to be cleared and no mtv will complete itself, that's a dream (and a lie, to whoever to you work will clear itself if you leave it alone for long enough). so that's me on editing end - work slowly and surely getting completed. dec was not only the month for weddings but for students' performances as well. we shot for cheng's ballet's the new nutcracker and ngee ann poly's NRA danzation 08. it was quite crazy doing live broadcast on my own and now fergie's song (the one they used for the freshies' dance) is stuck in my head. i'm doomed and will not recover until the end of time.

all ranting aside, i'm left with chuan fu/weiping's mtv, jingli/christopher's mtv, felicia/ian's mtv and of course, lineng/aldrin's mtv. and school has started. if anyone is thinking why the hell is carrie still studying, isn't she like 30 already (kidding, i'm 25), or hasn't she been studying for forever already? yeah okay okay, this is my last semester and i'll be finishing it up by may. mom's not very happy that i spent a heartbreaking total of $31,500 on this english BA and have happily proceeded into videos. but well, i'm gonna make a prediction - in 3 years or less, mom would be telling me she's very proud of me and my videos. so let's wait it out..

who am i kidding. but whatever, i'm sure people who still read my blog don't wanna hear me go on and on about work. in fact, i've something else to share. we caught 'milk' and 'changeling' over the last 1 month and they're both not bad. i guess we've finally shaken off the choosing-bad-movies curse and have progressed to better times...

so yes, i won't talk about work anymore. just watch it okay?

felicia & ian's express highlights - 3 Jan

(click on picture to go to video)

of the good things in life we chase after, i think a great tattoo is one of them. not with any intention to anger people, i personally dislike tribal tattoos and tattoos which are really just colored gunk. why would you get your arm matted in red/green/purple gunk? gunk leh. not even mark rothko you know.. or why would anyone get an unidentifiable tribal curvy wave thing? i know i wouldn't.

anyway, on the 11th of dec, we went to singapore's first tattoo convention and i don't know what i went there for but i missed getting my third tattoo in 2008 so i really wanted one but i wasn't sure if it'd be the queen or the pawn (if anyone's interested, i've got my knight and rook liao). anyway, we walked around and saw mostly tattoo portfolios of tigers, lions, fairies, butterflies and some johnny depp, some mr bean (not kidding), nothing impressive, you know? how many such portfolios have we seen in our local tattoo shops already? more walking, more lions, more walking, oh some dragons, some carps, more walking and then there was leon.

leon's portfolio was the only one which stood out. try to visualize this: cave paintings on walls... stick figures... lines & blocks... and a large mt. fuji on a fat girl's back done only with lines and sketchy shading. it was gorgeous. we fell in love with his artwork immediately and took his namecard. this leon guy wasn't there though so we lingered for a while, nothing else to do, we moved on. then something, maybe a spell, drew us back to his booth (oh i know what spell it was - the crowd jostling rudely in front of chris garver so they could get their photos taken with him... don't snort, it's rude).

anyway, this time, we saw good-looking french/ang-mohishy guy (sorry la i'm low-class like that, okay?) tinkering around the booth so after being nudged incessantly by flo, i asked if he was leon, he said yes. then excitedly, we asked if those were his works, he said yes. then we happily showed him our current ones and asked how he could incorporate his kind of style into our bodies. after chatting for a while (and a genius suggestion from grace to ask if he was staying in sg after the convention), we made an appointment with him on tues 13th.

apparently, some kind of whirlwind came along and now it's the 15th and since i'm impatient and forgetful, i don't really remember what went on. flo did her cheshire cat on the 13th and seeing how she wasn't in much pain - no noise, no reactions, just a litte whimpering and clenching of toes.. i thought wahhh, i need to do mine now. and since i forgot how my previous 2 felt like, i thought i was quite high on the hierarchy of pain tolerators. apparently, i'm wrong.

on the 14th, i went there (hotel 81, joo chiat rd) and thought i was going to die. i don't know how else to talk about it but i'm glad my tattoo was worth it. i'll show it to you guys when i figure out how to take a photo of my back and hips together in the same screen.. but flo shot the entire process and i'll probably do the video once i'm done with december's weddings. honestly, i don't remember the last 2 hurting so bad...

but it was all worth it. we had a great time being in pain, smoking and chatting with leon. well, leon's a character of his own. you'll have to meet him to see for yourself, i really can't describe it, you know... we really enjoyed the interaction between leon and his assistant joey - this huge bodyguard looking guy with a child-like innocence. & leon.. leon is worth meeting. but my favorite part was when he added stuff onto my back for his own self-entertainment & to make the art work his own. he's the artist and i'm the canvas. that's really quite shiok.

okay, will get the photos and video up whenever i've cleared my work. promise.

leon: www.shitoujii.com

p/s: leon's half vietnamese, half french. he is currently in hongkong. speaks french (which we didn't understand of course), quite fluent english, not bad chinese, and not an ounce of cantonese). when asked how does he survive in hongkong, he said "i don't".

this was 2008 in collectivity: things come to hill starts for me - long hours of emptiness, wanting to ice-skate, wearing less shiny clothes, not a single bag purchase (i'm not kidding), less writing, more videos, less thinking, more you, less alcohol, more food - and now things come to sloping ends of islands far beyond. we think we know more as we progress but i really know less of myself, less of the world. it's great this way, the less i know, the more i want to learn. best things that have happened in 08 - videos, time, you. with these things, i get more than i thought i ever would. to everything, there's a loss and gain - i've lost countless hours of analysing my dreams, of writing & having no end to pain, but i've gained immeasurable returns that i cannot even put into words.

and this is 2009 in collectivity: i don't really know but it's gonna be really exciting.

are you upset? / no. / no? / yeah. / are you upset? / no. / okay. / (silence) / you wanna go for a walk? / no. / (pause) / okay. / (silence) / talk to me... please? / (silence) / come on, i really thought it was nothing. / (pause) / yeah okay it was nothing. / but i said i was sorry, it was my fault, okay? / yep. / (more silence) / you wanna come find the cat with me? / (silence) / you wanna come find the cat? / (silence) / no. / (long silence) / okay... then i'm going. / where? / find the cat. / (loud sigh) / i'm coming with you. / really? / yeah. / why? / what do you mean why? i just am, okay? / (pause) / do you love me? / yeah i do... / really? / yeah. / okay then let's go find the cat. / ...

so she changed into a suit that was made for her, only to wear on the day she knew she would never wear anything else. strapping on the sleeves, she watched her son bundled up in the arms of a scary-looking man, grim-faced and impatient; she had to hurry, so she flusteredly put on her belt, buckled it and simultaneously reached for her shoes as her other hand reached for the door. but the gunshot was so piercing, she dropped the shoes onto the floor. her eyes screamed as she saw the fire spread before her. in a split moment, she thought she heard her son crying out but she was wrong. the shoes fell to the carpet, silent as the ringing that emptied out the streets. he's only silent, still and she wasn't wearing shoes.

so we watched 'dancer in the dark' last night and you cried. you cry every time you watch it and i'm sad to say i did not cry, and that's strange, because i cry at everything - i cry when people break up; when you cried for your missing cat; when girl on tv finds her true love; when true love guy tells girl he wants to be with her forever; when protagonist of some show dies after a good fight; when yasuko's brother says 'i'm yasuko's brother, but i've never done anything brotherly for her... until today' on her wedding day, in a language i do not understand; and when i listen to yuki no hana - i cry at all these things but i didn't cry even when you tried to explain to me that bjork's struggles were so painful, that she gave up her life for her son's eyes. i couldn't. i just couldn't feel it (would have helped if bjork didn't spend half the time flouncing around with dirty hair and screaming nauseating songs... that would have helped a whole lot.)

sorry but i'm crying at yuki no hana now. i've never heard a more moving beautiful song than this... (i don't even understand japanese...)

can i have more japanese brides please? (those who can speak english lah)

i am brilliant! sam & yasuko love their mtv! absolutely no corrections! whee! i know girl-who-refuses-to-praise-me thinks it's no big deal, it should be expected of me, she's more brilliant than i am because she taught me everything i should know of videos today etc etc, BUT it's been a long time since i've succeeded at a challenging task and an even longer time since i've put up expectations for myself, or reached up to others' expectations. even though dad pretends he's uninterested in whatever i'm doing i know he's secretly waiting for me to ask him to watch it (when i do though, he brushes it off and tells me not to sleep too late) & girl-who-refuses-to-praise-me thinks i can do better (which of course i want to), it'd be nice if someone could tell me what a great job i've done.

nevertheless, IT FEELS SO GOOD!

and since now i'm on a 2-day break before the massive work load in dec kicks in, i shall waste my time watching american dad vol 3. (hk series 'legend of the demigods' dvd 2 died on me so i'm stuck at episode 10)

Sok Ying & Aloysius' Express Highlights - 15 Nov 2008

the latest express highlights. i honestly don't like cheesy gatecrashing la okay. christmas wish for this year: less gatecrashing. so, currently doing Sam & Yasuko's MTV which is probably my biggest challenge to date. sam gave us 54 songs to choose from so here i am stuck between john lennon, south american getaway and some holy spirit song. to the people who constantly have to send me songs on express highlights mornings, thank you and i'm sorry i don't know how to pirate songs off the net okay? maybe my period is coming, i've been having an extended craving on chips (which flothecat refuses to let me buy) and yes i bought new bras. it's nice being busy sometimes, when i feel like it. :)